I was just busy packing away. Constantly thinking I was forgetting something.
“Why is there still so much room?”
Usually, the van would just be packed full with barely any room for the kids in the back. Even for a small trip like this one. Our first in over two years now. Without even thinking, I threw the tent and lantern on one of back seats, still clueless as to why I would be able to see a little out the back window.
Then it hit me after verbalizing my concerns a couple times. Maybe Dylan would have gone on this short getaway. He had been on many before.
As I rode up to Heritage park well into the back half of a challenging bike ride, I thought or might have even said under my breathe, “It took me a while today, but I made it.” I just started crying. It was the first time in quite a while. As I continued on with the hot air evaporating my tears, I found myself angry, and trying to shove square pegs into round holes as I listened to “You Satellite” by Wilco. “Dammit, this song is too good to be about TV or giving away your songs or control over content. It just has to be. It has to fit somewhere with what I going through.” I bend the lyrics. I try to make my own. I try…
“Could genes have changed any failure?”
“Sometimes I don’t care lately.”
“I have become a calendar while I am waiting.”
…and find myself as directionless as ever. Maybe more so.
“I don’t want to go and I don’t want to stay.”
Sometimes, I think I have tried and failed to fill the void, where I normally would see if Dylan wanted to go with me somewhere. I really hate not having that option. I can’t really think of a time when he said no, unless he had to work. Sometimes, it seems to work for a while. Other times, it make me think about him more.
These pictures are so cool. Thank you for sharing them and thank you for going thru your hurdle and allowing my boys to come and join you on this most recent camping trip. I can’t even begin to imagine how you were feeling. I am honored to have the memories of several camping trips together with all four of you and the last one we had with Dylan we actually drove him out with us and got some time with him. Time………. Such a small and powerful word. Love you all!
Yeah, I remember taking those pictures. Dylan just held onto the front of that stroller smiling. I don’t think we really saw him do that previously. And we managed to a few great pictures of it. That was probably his first camping trip.
The boys were fun. I created video game type fantasy adventures. To the east, we were prepared to fight off horrendous sea monsters to protect the seal sanctuary. Well, maybe Kyle wasn’t on board with that. To the west, the manhood right of passage if the tides allowed. Kyle would have to fetch us three bat rays with his bare hands. Haha. He was bailed out by the tide and wind.
We talked about the $10+ million dollar beach house they should buy for you guys. I told them to make sure that it had a guest house for Donna and I.
I tried to convince Kyle that he wanted to be the CEO of a video game company. Not a tester.
I only set two pieces of wood in the fire. The boys did the rest. Connor was pretty good at splitting the wood. Would have loved to have Dylan there to show them. That would have been funny, huh?
I am glad we got to do it. I got Connor’s unintentional seal of approval at one point when he said, “Next time we’ll have to …”
That sounds great!!!!!! Your boy would have got a kick out of them.
I love these vignettes you write Jim. It allows me to know you better and Gives me insight to the years I missed . Thank you