I usually wear that tie once a week. As far as wearing ties goes, I like that one. It was Dylan’s. I’m just borrowing it.

I’m dressin’ sharp,
And feelin’ dull.
The Replacements

These words were difficult for me to come up with, but I had to do it for you, Dylan. I feel the system demands it when you lose someone close to you in a violent crime. This is but a fraction of the ways that I have been impacted.

My son Dylan was such an important part my life and Donna’s life that I cannot overstate it. The birth of our first child was a catalyst for us to begin to live the kind of life we wanted. He was the motivator for us to move to Santa Clarita.

How has my life changed since my son, Dylan, died on Valentine’s Day in 2014?

I notice so many small things that make me think of him and how much I miss him. A couple days ago, while running I noticed a single rabbit in the middle of the bike path exactly where a young Dylan had a bad bike spill while the two of us were riding. I started to tear up. I hadn’t noticed any rabbits there for several weeks. Why is this one looking right at me? Is he trying to tell me something? Why today? I am sure that my struggles with the words to convey our loss to the court played a part.

How have I been impacted by the loss of my son? I run three days a week. For over a year, I have routine that I cannot vary. Two days a week, I must run to a very special tree the city allowed us to help plant in Heritage Park in Dylan’s memory. The other day of the week is the only time I go to the corner where Dylan was fatally injured. I run from that corner to the tree in Heritage park. I feel that I must succeed in making this run or the guilt will just be too much to bare. Did I not make it because Dylan has slipped from mind? Am I still not inspired by the spirit of Dylan? I cannot let that happen. How have I been impacted? I dread the day when I start out on that run and just can’t make it.

Another day, Dylan was in my thoughts most of the day, and that night I had a dream that I could feel his presence, but he felt so far away. I hate when I feel like that, but it seems to be happening more and more. Without even thinking, the next day I played some music from one of the artists at the last show we went to see together. I realized what I had done when a song called “I Want To Grow Up” came on. I was excited to see how Dylan would grow up. I wanted him to have the opportunity to play his part in this world. Dylan’s death has affected every aspect of our lives.

How have I been impacted by the death of my son? I used to carry nothing on my keyring except for a house key and a car key. Now, my key ring has an attachment that says “I Love You Daddy”. It is a quote from Dylan on an early recording he and I made while playing with sound recorder on one of our first computers. Sometimes, I look at it and smile. Most times, I look at it when I’m feeling the pain of missing him. The other object on my keyring is from Dylan’s girlfriend, Thalia, to me. It has the word STRENGTH stamped on it. I am supposed to give it somebody else, when I don’t need it anymore. I don’t feel anywhere near being ready to pass it on.

How have I been impacted by the loss of Dylan? Now, every person driving really fast or erratically is on drugs. That was not always the case before that Valentine’s Day.

We have been members of the Santa Clarita community for many years now. Our 15 year old daughter has spent her entire life growing up there. Dylan spent over three quarters of his life growing up there. This tragedy has pushed my family to do things we would have never done before. I have had to speak in front of more people in the last year than I thought I ever would. The first time came up when some members of the community held a candlelight vigil for Dylan shortly after his passing at the corner where the collision occurred. We had no idea how to react or even what to say. Donna and I tried. Inside, it felt like I was about to explode. The pressure seemingly unbearable. People deserved to hear that we appreciated their support, yet I felt as though I was barely functioning.

How has my life changed since Dylan died? People still stop by that corner and give a moment. People we don’t even know. How has my life changed since Dylan died? We no longer drive through that intersection that is a few hundred feet away from our home of over thirteen years.
 
How have we been impacted? Important places to Dylan and our family will never be same. Santa Cruz will never be the same. Santa Monica Pier will never be same. Carpinteria State Beach will never be same. We will never be able to go to those places anymore without being reminded of what has happened to Dylan.

When this act of violence occurred and my wife Donna thought she saw Dylan’s car, I had to hear something in her voice that just made me instantly feel the same pain and panic. I did my best to try to calm her down from fifty miles away. She was heading up the steep hill to where the collision occurred. I desperately wanted to be her eyes. I didn’t want her to see what we now know was there. The scream she let out when she realized, it was in fact Dylan’s car — The frantic running around when she could not find him -— It just destroyed me.

As soon as she hung up, I got in my car and made the longest fifty mile drive of life. I was numb. I was in shock. Was he okay? Maybe it is just a broken leg? He has to be okay. What will we do if he is not? What if he is not alive? My brain was going a mile a minute. My car was going about 40 miles per hour. I wanted to hear from her again.

How has my life been impacted by the violent death of my son on Valentine’s Day 2014? My wife, Donna, called me back with a little more information. Through her sobs she begged me to get there soon. That is when I realized that it was bad. Really bad. As I drove under the 118 overpass on the 210, I kept muttering “no, no, no, no, no.” And, “what about his head? What about his head?” She couldn’t tell me anymore.

When I arrived at the hospital, Donna and I immediately went in to see Dylan. His skin was pale and he was motionless. An ER nurse came up to us, and told us to talk to him. We were in shock. Absolute shock. What happened to our lives? Through our tears, each of us let out a few words, but we did not know what to say. It was the most horrible moment of my life. My first child lying there fatally injured, and I cannot think of any words to say to him that will show us some sign of life. All those discussions Dylan and I had. All those life lessons I tried to teach him to make him a good person. All those words, and I could not come up with anything to make him live.

How has this violent crime and the loss of my son, Dylan Zimmerman impacted my life and my family’s life? In every way imaginable.